When I was in tenth grade, I used to hang out with this twelfth grade by named Paul. He was charismatic, charming, and pretty good looking. He wanted to date Hannah, my best friend when we first met, and he ended up confiding in me about their ups and downs throughout the relationship. When they broke up, we still remained friends and continued the schedule we had created. Every day, he would pick me up from school, take me out to lunch, and then walk me to the locker rooms for after-school track. Thinking about it now, we were inseparable, but we never looked at each other as anything more than best friends, or at least that’s how I looked at him. One day, instead of going out to our usual deli for lunch we decided to eat lunch at Paul’s house. His mom had made arroz con pollo the night before and I was a little short on money at the time. Being as close as we were, this would be my first time going over to his house and I was excited to see the background that I saw every day when we would facetime. When we arrived at his house, we heated up the food, ate and Paul gave me a tour of his house. The last room he showed me was his room. Upon entering his room, Paul closed the door behind him. At the time I didn’t think anything of it, but what happened next would explain his action. After doing a couple of rotations around his room, picking things up, examining framed pictures, I took a seat on the edge of his bed and let myself fall back onto the soft mattress. He took a seat next to me, closer than usual, and rolled over on top of me. Pressing his lips to mine, Paul proceeded to guide me into taking off my clothes and allowing him to steal the last fragment of my innocence. It’s a memory that has been hard to forget; even three years later.

Reflecting on what happened that day, I remember it being my fault that it happened. I remember teasing him by picking out an exceptionally “sexy” outfit because I decided to wear a dress instead of my usual jeans and t-shirt. I remember showing my interest in him that morning when I hugged him from behind, ecstatic to share with the news about making the county championships for track. I remember suggesting going to his house after he told me his mom wouldn’t be home. I even remember going as far as closing the door behind us when we went into his room. My recollection of the event made me feel like I deserved getting my virginity taken away from me and for a long time I believed it. I couldn’t remember it any other way because how could my best friend take advantage of me? Why would he get me alone in a room with him and change our friendship forever without any incentive?  I remember tricking my best friend and getting what I deserved except, that isn’t what really happened. What happened was I decided to make a wardrobe change because I felt confident that day. I hugged him from behind because he’s like a brother to me and I couldn’t wait to tell him the good news. We went to his house because he was adamant on “saving money” and even though I wasn’t that interested in going I went because my best friend is the driver and I didn’t want to burden him with dropping me home and picking me back up. We ended up alone in his house because he forgot to mention his mom went out on a day trip. The door ended up closed in his room because he purposely closed it, knowing what he had in mind. We ended up having sex because he peer pressured me and knew he would get his way because I would feel guilty pushing away my best friend and that I would fear our relationship changing if I did say no. My memory of the event was all wrong, diluted by my fear of not only possibly losing my best friend, but also of change.

Realizing the changes I made to my memory of that day taught me a lot about myself and the amount of respect I had for myself. The first thing it taught me was how scared I was of change. I didn’t want the situation to affect my friendship with Paul because I was scared of having to change my daily schedule and of making new friends. Up until that point, Paul was really the only friend I had during the day because my Hannah didn’t go to my school. Also, in my school district, the high school starts at tenth grade, so I didn’t really know anyone else because I was fairly new to the building. The few times I ended up in the school cafeteria for lunch without Paul, I sat by myself and had no one to talk to. From as early as elementary school, I was always afraid of approaching people first and being the one to start the conversation. The few friends I had were either introduced to me or in the case of Hannah, the other person approached me first. So, being in a school where I felt it was impossible to make friends because everyone seemed to already be acquainted with one another, I clung to Paul and our friendship relentlessly. Another thing the differences in my memory taught me, was that I was easily pressured/influenced into things. Sex was not the first thing Paul had pressured me to do and Paul was not the first person to pressure me into things. From doing other people’s homework to going to parties and drinking, I realized that I allowed people to either take advantage of me or lead me astray from my morals. Further reflection on this lesson made me realize that I was easily influenced because I lacked confidence in myself. I felt the need to follow others and obey others because I wasn’t confident enough in myself to have my own opinion on things and think for myself. The third thing I learned was that I placed too much responsibility on women in social settings. Thinking that my outfit was a lure for Paul was evidence that I believed that women had to dress accordingly so that they wouldn’t tempt or distract men. In reality, I should’ve believed that women are allowed to wear whatever makes them feel the most comfortable and confident because men should be able to control their impulses. No one asked for these boys and men to look at us or act on their impulses. They should have a certain level of self-control. The fourth and final thing I learned was that I had a very low level of respect for myself. By letting this boy do as he pleased, I did not have respect for my body, privacy, or wishes. Other traits I possessed, such as a low level of self-confidence, contributed to this level of respect I had for myself. Altogether, the lessons I learned from realizing the differences I created in how I remembered this event in my life collectively made me reconsider my friendship with Paul and also pushed me to seek help in order to achieve a healthier self-image and social life. This event is precious to me because it started the change I needed to undergo and opened up a door of self-discovery that made me into the woman I am today. All in all, this event meant a lot to me because it made me realize that I had a lot of work I needed to do in regards to self-care and self-respect.